Slightly Sarcastic

I’m sarcastic. Almost everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcasm. My parents did it, their parents did it. It’s part of our gene pool. Sarcasm gets worse with age. The older I get the more I notice myself having to end almost every sentence with, “I’m just kidding.” The worst part about being sarcastic is thinking everyone will understand the snarkiness that pours out of your mouth whenever it opens. Instead, this is the look I usually get:

At least in person you have the advantage of the person actually seeing your face and hearing your tone so there is more of a chance they will “get” your sarcasm.  But online – OMG – there just isn’t an easy way to let people know that 99% of what comes out of your mouth is sarcasm.  Half the time they won’t even finish reading a post before they start writing crazy comments.  Even naming a blog “Slightly Sarcastic” some people STILL take everything I say seriously.  At least I’m not the only sarcastic to feel so misunderstood – comments like this are frequently found among those of my kind   -

I used to think that it was my delivery. Or that the other person wasn’t listening to me. But what research has shown is that others need to be on the same social wavelength when the wisecracks fly. Moreover, the ability to comprehend sarcasm relies on a specific sequence of language, social and cognitive skills that rapidly flow in our mind. So alot has to happen in the neuropathways of the brain for sarcasm to hit its target. That is why the processing of social  information can be difficult for some

So, needless to say I was very excited to find out that scientists in Israel have devised an algorithm to detect sarcasm. I don’t know how they could use something like this to help readers determine sarcasm but it gives me hope.

The novel formula could pave the way for more sophisticated communication between humans and computers – the Holy Grail of artificial intelligence.

Devised by computer scientists at The Hebrew University in Jerusalem, the algorithm has been programmed to recognise sarcasm in lengthy texts by analyzing patterns of phrases and punctuation often used to indicate irony .. . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . .In addition to producing an algorithm with a remarkable success rate, the researchers also drew some intriguing conclusions about why people use sarcasm online.

They noticed that the Amazon products that attracted the most sarcastic comments tended to be those with mainstream popularity – such as Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code, and the Amazon’s Kindle e-reader.

The academics write: “We speculate that one of the strong motivations for the use of sarcasm in online communities is the attempt to ‘save’ or ‘enlighten’ the crowds and compensate for undeserved hype.”

In the meantime, I have found a list of sarcastic comments for you civilians who just don’t get it.

Sarcastic Remarks
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Well, aren’t we just a ray of frigging sunshine?
3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
5. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
6. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
7. Do I look like a frigging people person?
8. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
11. I’ve found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
12. You! Off my planet !!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. I like dogs too. Let’s exchange recipes.
16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
23. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.
25. Allow me to introduce my selves.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
32. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
34. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
35. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
39. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
40. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
41. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
42. One of us is thinking about sex… OK, it’s me.
43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
46. It’s sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
48. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
49. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
50. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un-Screw You!
51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Just smile and say “Yes, Mistress.”
56. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
58. A woman’s favorite position is CEO.
59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
61. This is a mean and damned cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!
62. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
63. Earth is full. Go home.
64. Is it time for your medication or mine?
65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me?
67. I plead contemporary insanity.
68. And which dwarf are you?
69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
72. It ain’t the size, it’s… no, I’m sorry, it really is the size.
73. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!