Slightly Sarcastic

What are the things you hide from everyone?  Something so awful you can hardly bear to think about it.  I have never dealt very well with pain.  When something is bothering me I tend to hide behind sarcasm.  But, there are some things you can’t hide from no matter how hard they are to face.  You know, those things that you are embarrassed or ashamed of.  The really bad decisions you have made in your life that you would give anything to change.

When I was 21 I got married and had a son.  Two years later his dad and I split up.  The divorce wasn’t too bad.  We decided to have joint custody of our son and he was going to live with me.  At the time I was working a full-time job and taking a full credit load of classes at the University which was, luckily, five minutes away from my house.  Things started getting rough.  I never saw my son.  I would get up at 4:30, get ready for work, get him ready for daycare and leave the house by 5:45.  I would work from 6:30 til 3:00 go straight to class until about 7 and then pick my son up from daycare, put him to bed, wake up and do it again.  His dad picked him up on Fridays from daycare and dropped him back off Monday mornings.  I never got to see him or spend time with him.  I talked to my ex and we decided that he would keep him during the week so I could spend time with him on the weekends.  This was my first mistake.  My ex had me sign over the physical custody to him (just until I finished school).  God I was a gullible, stupid, naive, idiotic imbecile – I have gone back to the decision a million times in the last 20 years – what a HUGE mistake.

This arrangement went ok for about 9 mos.  I had an opportunity to go to work in Washington DC for a few months and drove back to Norfolk, VA every single weekend to spend time with him and then back to DC every single Sunday for work.  This went on for about 3 mos and then “The Letter” came.  My ex sent me a letter telling me he was moving the following week to Arkansas – WTF??????? ARKANSAS????!!!  That’s a 25 hour drive from Norfolk if you drive straight through.  That’s when my downfall started.  It made me physically ill to be away from my son at all much less knowing I wouldn’t see him for months at a time.  I lost it – I went nuts.  I ended up moving back to Norfolk and went into a mode of crazy destructiveness that would last for 10 years.

Some things that I didn’t know were 1) how freakishly controlling my ex was and 2) Even though you already have a divorce decree and have settled child custody, if one person moves to another state, after one year that are a resident and can refile papers in that state and change the custody – of course if you don’t know about it until 5 days before the hearing and you are expecting a baby on the same day as the court hearing, you’re pretty much screwed.  It doesn’t even matter if I went, I was SOOO screwed up back then, poppin pills like they were candy was the only way I could get up and function – I hated myself.   I sucked.  How could I let that sweet little kid go off with that sick, over-bearing, abusive, controlling, completely fanatic man that I couldn’t even stand to be around?

Fast forward – I have googled his name for years, hoping I would come across something, anything – about a month ago I searched for him for about the millionth time on facebook and there he was, all grown up – looking exactly like my brother – off  in College, an awesome, smart kid.  I want to talk to him.  I want to see him.  I want to do anything and everything for him but I don’t  feel like I have the right anymore.  I haven’t seen him since he was 5.  I wonder if he thinks about me.  I wonder what he thinks about me.  Does he hate me?

I really don’t know what to do.  I’ve told my other kids all about him and they ask me all the time when they will get to meet him and I can’t give them an answer.  I hate this.

Any suggestions? Advice?

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